FRIENDSHIP REVISITED! NEW PATHWAYS TO MEETING AND MAKING NEW PALS

In Los Angeles, On Live Television, sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer asks, “Is the Penis In The Vagina?” I was shocked. Yet, it's more interesting than Finding Waldo.

While on vacation in Los Angeles in the late 1980s, freeloading from a friend in West Hollywood—reading the newspaper (probably a New York daily)—I was jolted, jerked, out of a zone—shocked—as I heard a deep-German-accented voice ask, “Is the penis in the vagina.”

I looked up at my host who shrugged, “That’s Dr. Ruth.” 

I’d never heard of this Dr. Ruth back in New York. I was informed the fowl talking head was a well-known, highly-respected West Coast sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Flashing forward several decades, I just finished reading Dr. Ruth’s new book with a mouthful of a title, The Joy of Connections, 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life.  “Who doesn’t, Doc?”— I’d like to ask her but can’t. Dr. Ruth Westheimer inconveniently passed away last summer, July 12, 2024. Darn.

If that’s enough of a title, Westheimer shares the 159 page-ten-chapter, self-help release with two others, Allison Gilbert and Pierre Lehu. (Who they?) I prefer to include credit in my articles, every time, and would like to add, she doesn’t always, in this new effort. 

To open with a closure: although the word “loneliness” is used in the title, in my opinion, this book is more about friends and friendship than loneliness. In the Introduction, she does exclaim, “Loneliness is about the quality of connections in your life, not the quantity…Loneliness is a feeling…” and “there’s plenty we can do to alleviate it.”  I wasn’t sold.

To make MY case, right off, at the get-go, Dr. Ruth includes an exhaustive (exhausting?) study by University of Kansas’s Dr. Jeffrey Hall that found: it takes about twelve thousand minutes to develop a new best friend. It takes at least 10 hours over the first three weeks to develop a good friendship, and more than 200 hours over six weeks to turn a friend into a best friend. (I’m curious to know how they determined all that, but for the sake of argument, I’ll accept it.)

Westheimer further states, “my background as a sex therapist made me uniquely qualified to help people overcome loneliness.” The next sentence? “Sexual dysfunction and loneliness both carry stigma.” 

Before detailing her story, I would like to include some suggestions she makes. Halfway through the book, she writes: “I’ve always told my radio listeners and TV watchers to communicate their wishes in the bedroom. If you like to be stimulated a certain way in the bedroom, if you like to be stimulated a certain way, you need to tell your lover what to do! If you like oral sex, you should ask your partner for more oral sex!  This kind of directness is important at all times in your life, and that includes times of great sadness. Communicating your needs will help your needs be met, and when your needs are met, you feel less lonely.”  HUH!  That makes perfect sense and sounds like fun.

Hang on. Hang in. Hang out!

BACKGROUND, FOREGROUND, and GAINING GROUND

Dr. Ruth parcels out her story in nuggets throughout the book. (I pray she doesn’t turn over in her crypt.) What I’ve done is: pulled it all together in one bunch, a heap. If you’ve ever attended a Twelve Steep Meeting, you know that’s true. I agree, our stories are what makes us interesting and I think she blew it, by including morsels here and there, the way she laid it out, instead of, say, a full chapter.

For example, Dr. Ruth describes herself this way, “I felt utterly unattractive. I’m so short, dumb, and ugly. I brooded. If I were normally grown, everything, everything would be much simpler…”. BUT. “Being four foot seven…I was able to become pregnant. I thought carrying a child would be biologically impossible… After having two children, and now four grandchildren, I’m still overjoyed that my fear was misplaced!

“When I was a young woman, I didn’t have a lot of money to buy many new blouses and pants… for two years I lived on two kibbutzim in Isreal, and part of communal living means being more concerned about the welfare of the group than yourself, including clothes. But when I started to get noticed in the 1980s, right as my radio program “Sexually Speaking” (AH HA!), I exploded and I began making television appearances. One of the co-authors [of this book], Pierre Lebu, my media director for more than forty years… thought it was time for me to pay attention to how strangers were seeing me…” [So], “before every live and taped show, Pierre would ask me if I’ d gotten my hair done and what I was wearing... I’d [eventually] call the transformation my ‘Pierre-ish look.’” 

Dr. Ruth then suggests, YOU (dear, reader), you might “consider buying some new clothes.”  And then points out keenly, “the influence clothes and jewelry can affect on our moods.”

Moving on, Westheimer further shares, “I had a stroke in 2023.  And another minor one in 2024… I worked with my doctors changing few post stroke medications, to get my sleeping routing back on track…” Then she gets right back to her readers: “I want you to think about how much sleep you’re getting and think about how well you’re eating and how much exercise you’re getting… If you’re not investing in your body, you likely won’t have the interest or stamina to engage with other people, and interacting with other people is the only way to create and maintain meaningful connections.” To me, here, she sounds a bit like Golda Meir.

Dr. Ruth was married three times. And the charmed third, with Fred Westheimer, lasted thirty-five years until he passed.  Back to the business at hand:

“Loneliness is now an epidemic,” she writes, and these days, loads of other experts and authors agree.  Recently, U. S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murphy offers important strategies for feeling more socially connected.  Dr. Ruth includes some of them in the back of her book.  One point jumped out, “People experiencing prolonged loneliness and social isolation are also at greater risk of diabetes and stroke.” (Reason enough, don’t you agree, to get ride of loneliness?) It’s not difficult to see why, in 2024, New York State Governor Kathy Hochul appointed Dr. Ruth “Ambassador to Loneliness.”  It appears, some folks out there are paying close attention to Westheimer.

Dr. Ruth is quick to include, “I’m not a medical doctor.  My doctorate is in education.  And while I am a seasoned therapist, I never provide MD-type-advice.”

Then, she gets more specific… “[therapy is] more fasting moving,” she discovered, “than the root cause of sexual problems [of her patients].”  She says its much simpler than that… she reached out to anyone who came to see her, or listened to her on the radio, or watch her on TV, “…to have better sex by modifying how they engaged in sex.” Ergo, “Is the penis in the vagina?”

“If you are lonely,” not missing am opportunity here, “what you need is practical advice on beating back this scourge,” and, she promises to “provide a map for overcoming loneliness with one hundred concrete ideas and opportunities that can be acted up immediately … all of them based on tactics I personally have used on myself, as well as in my private practice.” She branches out, she also passes on lessons from renowned organization psychologist, Wharton Professor Adam Grant, the founding director of the MIT Initiative on Technology and Self.  This time, she does credit his book Give and Take.

BIG STATS: This is a good a place as any to report: Dr. Ruth’s book, “Sex for Dummies” not only sold hundreds of thousands of copies and also translated into seventeen languages. Have you also noticed, her message is far-reaching? We have to agree: some folks out there paid close attention to Dr. Westheimer Ruth. So, before moving on, let me include this surprise: (OMG!) Dr. Ruth has 100,000 followers on X.

She boasts, “For a time, I was actively involved in a clinic at Bellevue Hospital in the Department of Geriatrics to help older adults improve their sex lives.” … “What I learned: you can teach older people new tricks.  And these new tricks have the ability to reignite passion and rebuild connection.”  Dr. Ruth Westheimer leaves no one out of her hugs.

Dr. Ruth is quite confident, she’s going to give you/us advice and do the best she can to “push you/us into taking my advice.” Italic hers. For us, Westheimer wants to be “cheerleader, coach and drill sergeant,” as she puts it: “all rolled into one,” and then underscores her approach: “…having chutzpah is what it takes to make it in this world… [plus] we must apply chutzpah to loneliness.”

Sadly, next, she cites a poignant study—recent research by a “Meta-Gallup survey,” which “…determined that nearly one in four adults around the world—more than one billion people—don’t feel fully connected to others.” In her own story, Dr. Ruth shares she lost her family in the Holocaust; grew up in an orphanage and was surrounded every minute of every day by other children—with no privacy whatsoever.  Back then, she repeats this touching share from her back-then diary, “I live with 150 people—and am alone.”  And then she offers some hope for herself, and for us: “Loneliness is not a fatal disease …what’s more, “it is curable.” And “the first step is to admit that it exists.”

And now she reports some gratuitous, yet germane, advice, directly out of the playbook of renowned American, best-selling author, motivational speaker, AIDS advocate, publisher (HAY HOUSE), philanthropist, minister, Louise L. Hay’s, “Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and actions…. to sustain healthy relationships…love yourself first….” … followed up by, “Focus on what makes you exceptional. Mental and physical differences don’t diminish your value.” She confesses, “Only after I began to appreciate how smart I was and how advanced I was in school did I recognize that regardless of my height, I was worthy of love.  I want the same for you.”  BUT.

COUCH POTATOES BEWARE: “You’re not making friends sitting on your sofa… pay attention on how you are spending your time… One or two nights a week, participate in some activity that could lead to making friends or deepening connections.” …  “There are times when you absolutely must put yourself first. It’s perfectly OK to be selfish… Treat yourself to manicures, pedicures, and massages… even more creative and go to an acupuncturist.”

Similar but different and new to me, “Research at the University of Miami School of Medicine showed that SELF-MASSAGING—rubbing your own arms and legs – also provides positive effects.”

AND NOW, LOUD SYMBOL CLASH:  Back to my earlier theory that this book is really about friendship, here are some down-to-earth suggestions Dr. Ruth repeating her demands that we make contact with others (connections, connections, connections).  Her words: “Small steps [really small steps, folks] are important because they’re more doable and sustainable than larger ones… Put on a T-shirt with the name of your high school or college… Wear a hat with your favorite sport team’s logo... Bring a bestselling book to a coffee shop and read it while, making sure the cover is visible… choose [logos of and] organizations you support, singers, and bands you like… Welcome any conversations that naturally unfold. These shared connections [that word again] may lead to deeper discussions and on to the formation of new friendships.”

SIT AT A BAR:  “At a bar, you can eat a meal and count on conversation… read a book …” You might develop one or two meaningful relationships if you do!”

PARAMOUNT: “…Talking with people you don’t know -- is a skill.”

REJECTION: When tossed aside: “Lick your wounds and try again.”

TAKING CLASSES: “Tried-and-trust method of meeting new people is to take classes. Painting… Italian cooking…sign up for a beginner’s class… but since your main goal is to force new connections, I suggest a different tactic… pick a course where you already have some expertise!”  Later, she adds the public library, and suggestions we sign up for “Yoga, Knitting, or Photography.”

BOLDLY, THE WESTHEIMER MANEUVER: “Be audacious! Do mostly whatever it takes to get what you want.” … “It’s chutzpah!  Using situations to your advantage…take advantage of circumstances…”.

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DAVID BROOKS

Next, Dr. Ruth quotes one of my favorite writers on the subject of talking to those you don’t know well: columnist David Brooks, author of How to Know a Person, suggests: 1) Ask: Where did you grow up?  2) Ask: “What’s your favorite unimportant thing about you?” …In her words: “Get people talking and telling stories.” … “If you’re an immigrant… don’t be ashamed of your accent or your clothing or whatever it is that makes you unique.”

COMMUNICATION: “You should always tell people what you need, and that’s especially true if you’re grieving… Loneliness increases when you feel the people closes to you aren’t supporting you…”.

“RETHINK YOUR THINKING:  Negative thinking often brings more negativity into our lives. Positive thinking thinking… frequently brings more positivity into our lives.”

BE LESS JUDGMENTAL: “Ignore what irks you. Bite your tongue. Hold our breath. Suck on a mint. Drink tea. Or make a decision to lean into and adapt—instead of throwing away the relationship.”

A MORE VALUABLE LESSONS IN MAINTAINING DEEP CONNECTIONS: “Be a good listener.”  … “Open you ears and close your mouth as much as possible.”

DEATH:  Dr. Ruth leaves no turn un-stoned: she cites a book “…for its ideas about connecting with loved ones who’ve died,” called CONTINUING BONDS, by Dennis Klass, quoting the author, “…devotion and affection do not end with a death.”

1970s ADVICE:  The chapter “Friend and Lovers,” begins with an italicized affirmation, “I am going to make new friends.  I am going to find a romantic partner.”  And soon, “building meaningful connections is a numbers game.”  Then, in bold, BROADEN YOUR FRIENDCABULARY.”  “You can be friends with anyone, male or female, straight or gay.” … “…surround yourself with people who are fully invested in living.  Avoid people who whine all the time.” … “What’s essential for forming new relationship is curiosity…” Ital hers:  Don’t judge a book by its cover. 

PROACTIVE:  “Be the one who suggests a date, time, and place to get together in person. It’s better to be proactive than passive.”

SIGH.  Before wrapping, rapping or napping, I must admit I was often informed as well as amused by this book and lukewarmly recommend it to you. However, it is important for me to note — occasionally Dr. Ruth Westheimer reminded me of someone I met in the past and didn’t cotton to much: Miss Helen Gurley Brown, world-renowned editor of then-famous Cosmopolitan magazine who advised gals by the millions in every issue on how to get a date and offered a multitude of ways to get men to take them dinner.  Shrug. Tacky. So, sue me.

One other suggestions New York Times’ Catherine Pearson included from Dr. Ruth’s book, that I did not: “Be the ‘perpetual hostess,’ join community activities and cultivate many kinds of friendships.”  Not my thing, community activities.  To each her own.

The Joy of Connections, 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life, by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, with Allison Gilbert and Pierrre Lehu, Rodale New York/Random House.

End of Dr. Ruth and now moving on to the next breath-taking phase of your life.

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JANCEE DUNN

ONE: HOW TO TURN AROUND A BAD DAY:  And while we’re on the subject of the TIMES, I liked Jancee Dunn’s effort. Dunn quotes noted Cleveland Clinic clinical psychologist Susan Albers’s HOW TO TURN AROUND A BAD DAY. 1) Put the incident in context and analyze your feelings. 2) Switch things Up. Sensory change: Take a hot shower, put on difference clothes, light a scented candle. If at work make a fragrant cup of tea.  3) Give yourself ‘little rewards.’  Collapse on the couch with some ice cream.  4) Set Up an emotional first aid-kit.  Ask, What soothes you? … collect positive emails and screenshots of texts from friends.” 

TWO: TIPS TO MAKE YOUR COMMUTE ACTUALLY ENJOYABLE. “Tame your anxiety.” Try box breathing. Breath in for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, exhale for another count of four, and hold your breath again for a count of four. Next, during a delay, ask yourself: Can I find gratitude in this pause? Can I find fun? Is there’s a person I want to wish well? A memory I want to revisit? A reflection I finally have time to explore? Jancee Dann appropriate these five questions from Cleo Wade, poet and author of, May You Love and Be Loved¹. Thank you, Jancee Dunn and the New York Times.

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Reykjavik, Iceland: Modern office building best known as he home of the Icelandic Phallological Museum which displays 320 specimens of mammal penises. Elfa Yr Gylfadottir [sic] is Director of Media Communications there. 

SONG LYRIC: My favorite line in a song:

“Life is just a bowl of, aw, nuts!
So live and laugh at it all!”

The one area I really know is American Popular Songs and the song D’Jour I’m suggesting: “Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries.”

"Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries" is a popular song with music by Ray Henderson and lyrics by Lew Brown, published in 1931. Ethel Merman introduced this song in George White's Scandals of 1931. A Rudy Vallée version, recorded in 1931, spent five weeks in the top-10 pop music charts. The song was revived in 1953 by singer Jaye P. Morgan – though perhaps more well-known today by Judy Garland.

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS / CLAIM TO FAME: On a vacation, I once witnessed Jaye P. Morgan singing that song in Detroit, from a ringside seat at a nightclub where my Uncle Joseph Chiado was bartender, The Gay Haven Nightclub, and Morgan sang “Life is Just A Bowl of Cherries.” Jaye P. Morgan (Colorado-born Mary Margaret Morgan) is better remembered for getting NBC’s GONG SHOW cancelled, after she flashed her breast on camera.

My favorite line, worth repeating:

“Life is just a bowl of, aw, nuts!
So live and laugh at it all!”

Entire Lyric:  LIFE IS JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES, including rarely sung introduction.

“People are queer, they're always crowing, scrambling and rushing about
Why don't they stop someday, address themselves this way?
Why are we here? Where are we going? It's time that we found out
We're not here to stay; we're on a short holiday

Life is just a bowl of cherries
Don't take it serious; it's too mysterious
You work, you save, you worry so
But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go

So keep repeating it's the berries
The strongest oak must fall
The sweet things in life, to you were just loaned
So how can you lose what you've never owned?
Life is just a bowl of cherries
So live and laugh at it all

Life is just a bowl of cherries
Don't take it serious; it's too mysterious
At eight each morning I have got a date
To take my plunge 'round the Empire State
You'll admit it's not the berries
In a building that's so tall

There's a guy in the show, the girls love to kiss
Get thousands a week just for crooning like this
Life is just a bowl of, aw, nuts!
So live and laugh at it all!”²

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1. NEW CHILDREN’S BOOK FOR ADULTS: MAY YOU LOVE AND BE LOVED, WISHES FOR YOUR LIFE, author and illustrator, Cleo Wade, Published by Macmillan.

2. Source: LyricFind. Songwriters Lew Brown/Ray Henderson Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Ray Henderson Music Co., Inc, Royalty Network, Songtrust Ave, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.