An old friend from way back stopped by my place recently and said, “What have you done to your apartment?!” What I’ve done is work… I clip every article that might have an inspiration kernel, read every release that hints a possible answer – and, in the process, I’ve ruined a once-neat flat with stacks of books, research files, and tons of newspaper clippings.
I’m attempting to discern, learn what in the sam-heck is going on. I’ve been around the mulberry bush a couple of times, and I now find the world, well… for lack of a better word: crazy. For openers, a senseless war with images of bombings so horrific I sometimes look away. I’ve already written, printed in the New York Daily News, May 3, 2023, is there no one on this globe with the cojones to ask, “Mr. Putin, have you no sense of decency?”
I’m attempting to discern, learn what in the sam-heck is going on. I’ve been around the mulberry bush a couple of times, and I now find the world, well… for lack of a better word: crazy.
What’s more, last count, in New York City, six thousand-plus robberies in storefronts (someone out there’s keeping track) with multiple pharmacy/drugstores shut because of it. The thieves are winning… And then the sad, hard-to-fathom news stories about the loveliest of cities, San Francisco—where I left my heart a time or two—is hurting bad. In Union Square, 26 stores have closed since 2020, and more plan to leave. (I’m not picking on S. F. Yes, other big burgs are suffering, too.)
Closer to home, I used to brag to friends, family, and out-of-towners about the subway. “Why, I can get from the Upper West Side, 72nd Street West to 14th Street Greenwich Village in minutes!” These days, we need to worry about me, you, or someone else, getting shoved on to the tracks. And…AND, the fares are going up.
Enough.
I’ve invariably enjoyed investigating closer to home and hearth subjects. And then early May 2023, The Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, released an 81-page report declaring loneliness the latest public health epidemic; one that poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day—not to mention, billions of dollars in annual costs for the health industry. Of all feelings, Loneliness.
Along that vein, regularly, as of late, the New York dailies have been leaning heavily on the unlikely subjects of kindness, connection, loneliness, warmth, conversation, wellness, healing, relationships, friendship, anger, nurturing, connection, and love. And the toughie, forgiveness (oneself and others.)
On first thought, I attributed the cause to the pandemic, and then remembered that there’s the horrendous war, mentioned earlier, with visuals on the nightly news that make me shudder. Oh, and I forgot to point out the obvious, mass shootings that happen daily (sometimes twice) in cities across the nation. To add to Dr. Murthy’s depressing report, with depressing details on loneliness: he lobs blame on…COVID-19, social media, cell phones prompting fewer connection to others, and shutdowns of schools, workplaces, and civic organizations.
Truman Capote was quick to point out, some people who think they are authors – they’re merely typists. I ask, am I beating my chest, and the bushes, because I’m truly distressed or merely because I want answers… solutions, if you will, or both. In the process, occasionally I run across a glib quote here and there that smacks of the key to life—and that satisfies me for a minute or two until the holes start showing through. That doesn’t stop me. I keep looking. Know that I’m not always right. I voted for Rudy Giuliani. Once.
WHAT’S SO GOOD ABOUT FEELING GOOD?
Back in March, my frequent inspiration, columnist David Brooks, stated three uplifting ideas in his column (Friday, March 31, 2023, New York Times) that began with “Dear Zoomers…”. (Don’t you love it?) Please put aside politics for a moment. (And hang in for opposing views.)
ONE) Generosity. Brooks quotes Erich Fromm, “Giving is the highest expression of potent… In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. This experience of heightened vitality and potency fills me with joy.’” from The Art of Loving.
TWO) Crime. Brooks’ own words with facts, “…the nation elected Bill Clinton and entered the 1990s era of relative peace, prosperity, and calm. Crime rates began to plummet.”
And THREE) Hope. “…over the past two years,” Brooks wrote, “I’ve become convinced that the latest of America’s renewal periods has already begun. Working class wages are rising, income inequality is declining and manufacturing jobs are more plentiful. America remains a vigorously innovative county on the planet. We lead the world in attracting the most foreign direct investment. America has a more diverse array of talented people than ever before…Joe Biden may not be your cup of tea, but he’s restored sanity, effectiveness, and decency to the White House.” As I said, Hang in for opposing views.
This outing is not about politics and power, buddy – agree or not, it’s about feeling good. This here admitted news junky who is mostly inundated with negative reportings, found this column refreshing. And we could all use a little uplifting now and then, especially with post pandemic fallout… and a past president who won’t go away, in our faces continually…and, let’s not forget, erratic, hard to deal with weather across the country. I don’t know about you, but I’m appalled at the prices at the supermarket. The Surgeon General doesn’t mention that in his report.
A mid-way FOOTNOTE. Though I’m worried sick about Global Warming, what to do? I don’t know. But I DO recycle.
I’m hesitant to admit, in the back of my mind I’m always trusting…hoping what I learn in my searches might be of use to you (and me.)
Some sad stats: The World Meteorological Organization – a UN science agency – reports there were nearly 12,000 weather disasters occurred between 1970 and 2021around the world: two million deaths from extreme weather in the last fifty years. The cost in damages: $ 4 trillion dollars in over the same period. The United States alone incurred $ 1.7 trillion in damages, 40% of the worldwide total. In the past decade, the bulk of the deaths were caused by extreme temperatures, flooding, and storms, with floods the primary cause of economic loses.
One example, last December, a blizzard in western New York raged on with fierce winds and snowfall for 37 hours. Thirty-one Buffalo residents lost their lives and the city still hasn’t recovered.
I often wish we’d listened to Mr. Al Gore who ran on “Global Warming” during the 2000 Gore-Bush race for President. After Gore won the popular vote, somehow Mr. Bush was in the White House. Twenty-three years wasted on what might have been stronger support for Global Warming. If you were otherwise engaged, that election twist was Florida’s fault. You might know the running joke cum cartoon (in song) on South Park, “Blame Canada.” The heck with blaming Canada – Blame Florida.
“What to do, what to do, what to do, the outlook was decidedly blue…” a lyric from the Gershwin’s song “A Foggy Day,” by Fred Astaire (who?).
I’m hesitant to admit, in the back of my mind I’m always trusting…hoping what I learn in my searches might be of use to you (and me.) And since you’ve been with me this far in this rant today, may I offer some useful tidbits.
TWO, NEW TO ME.
GHOSTING. “Ghosting,” and to be “ghosted” is defined, according to the New York Times, is when “someone unilaterally cuts off communication without warning or explanation.” Rude. Unkind. Gratuitous. And quite possibly, Bad Blood, Bad Karma, and The Evil Eye.
THE SHADOW OF YOUR SMILE–VISITED. TECHNICALLY AN ETHIC SLUR, SIR? DATELINE: Tokyo. After years of covered faces, post-Covid-era, Japanese radio host Keiko Kawano discovered her smile had begun to fade. At one pivotal point, she even had to struggle to lift the corners of her mouth. She surmised that the muscles just below the eyes needed boosting while weak ones created eyebrow-driven smiles, which she thought make the forehead look wrinkly. Ms. Kawano, then 43, with no medical training, made herself an expert on how facial muscles function. With her newfound knowledge, she developed a course on smiling. Her motto: “More Smile, More Happiness.” Now Keiko Kawano holds 90-minute “smile-training sessions,” at $650 a clip. She gathers hopefuls (and teaches them?) at gyms, nursing homes, retail outlets, and corporate offices, not to mention offers individual lessons to help a client land a better job or improve marriage prospects. One IBM-Japan spokesperson awarded Mrs. Kawano’s smile-training-sessions Five Stars and said it was “well received” there. Ya’ just can’t top that.
And I add, to me, maybe an Ethnic slur, sir. I mean, Madame.
THE WORLD’S MOST INTENSE STUDY IN HISTORY ON HAPPINESS. One of them, if not the most intense study in history, tracked the lives and happiness of 724 Boston men (and their children) over 80 years. Starting in 1938 by HARVARD’S ROBERT WALDINGER (A ZEN PRIEST) AND CO-WRITER MARC SCHULZ, asked hundreds: “What Makes People Happy?”
The two experts (with some staff) hung in there with the world’s longest running human happiness research, dubbed “The Harvard Study of Adult Development” — and now the findings are in book form. A few tidbits: “It’s never too late,” the authors offer that concept more than once. It’s never too late to make significant changes in health habits, career moves, as well as one’s social and love life…you should take stock of your life… One way, look back to understand pivotal moments. Find a photograph of yourself at half the age you are now. Take a close look and ask: What were you thinking about back then? What do you regret?” ...
Here’s a direct quote from the work: “Success in life is often measured by title, salary, and recognition of achievement. Those who manage to check off some or even all of the desired boxes often find themselves on the other side feeling much the same as before.” [So] Happiness is not a destination to be reached, but a process which comes from good connections with other people. [Bottom Line:] “One thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships.”
A helpful exercise: Write down who your support network is – and then, who you provide support to. To wrap: Take stock of your life… Look in the mirror, literally and physically. Their book: The Good Life by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schultz, Simon & Schuster, Publisher.
LANE MOORE – Comedian, writer, and musician wondered why she didn’t have more friends, like the ones on TV’s Friends, and Sex in the City, or the novel, Anne of Green Gables. She questioned if such relationships were even possible for her. She noted that all of us are so busy: working, 60 plus hours a week; some time for ourselves including a partner; shopping; laundry… A LEAP: friendship is having community. Having support. Having people to run ideas by. And to ask, “Hey, I’m kind of struggling with this something. What do you think? Can you help?” What’s more, having backup in a world that can be difficult isn’t an easy thing, but oh so necessary. And hence, her book: You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult, Abrams Image Publishing.
DR. MARISA G. FRANCO, PhD, psychologist. Terms in use here, thanks to the German people, “freudenfreude,” unlike “schadenfreude” –- the latter is when we take pleasure in other’s misfortunes. “Freudenfreude” describes that feeling we have when someone else succeeds since sharing another’s joy “can foster resilience and improve life satisfaction.” One good and simple way to do that: check in with friends and loved ones when they experience small victories…bright spots in their life. An aside to an aside: in a telling article in the New York Times, December 6, 2022, titled, “Why Is It hard for Men to Make Close Friends?” Catherine Pearson, who apparently thinks some men have trouble being vulnerable, cited Dr. Franco’s book with this quote “…practicing vulnerability does not require attending a workshop or having deep, unfiltered conversations about your inner life. You can keep it simple. The next time you meet up with a friend, tell them something you are struggling with,” she advises. “That’s it,” she ends with this, and I suspect it’s an approach New Yorkers, male and female, take all the time anyway. (We do not suffer in silence.)
Her book: Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends. Penguin Random House Publishers.
JANCEE DUNN, quoted superstar Cher in New York Times, “If it doesn’t matter in five years, it doesn’t matter.” I grant both Ms. Dunn and Cher that, but easier said than done.
ARTICLE: New York Times, See “7-Day Happiness Challenge.” Next!
DR. VIVEK H. MURTHY. “Take 15 minutes each day to connect a friend or a relative…Be real…” Listening is as important as what a person says… Understanding the content of what someone is saying is important… but also respond to the tone of their voice, read their body language, and experience their presence…” When we help other people we establish an experience of a connection with them—but we also remind ourselves of the value that we bring to the world… (I recall several releases lately on the power of listening. Doesn’t hurt to be a good listener.) His book: Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes-Lonely World, Harper Collins Publishers.
LAURA GASSNER. “…success isn’t an end goal. It’s a waypoint…Consider failure as an option when it helps you learn lessons.” In your life: “You need peers, people who are doing similar work. People who are at the same place doing similar work.” And “You need mentees who are coming to you with questions, and you can teach.” And by all means, “Act Like a Winner.” Her new book. Wonderhell: Why Success Doesn’t’ Feel like It Should… and What to Do About It.” Idea-Press Publishing.
LAST AND LEAST? Extrovert/Introvert? DOES IT MATTER FOR HAPPINESS AND SATISFACTION: (Both are evenly divided, by the way). I’ve read plenty lately – studies that claim to show, “people with strong social ties live longer and have better lives” – along with multiple solutions for isolation and loneliness that have frequently popped up out of the baseboard-and-wall-to-wall carpeting. One Laure Holgoe, from the University of Minneapolis, wrote a book: INTROVERT POWER: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength, Publisher, Sourcebooks, where she attempts to describe the difference between an introvert and extrovert… Introverts prefer to lavish their social energy on their intimates, she opines, while extroverts get more of a jolt from going to the proverbial cocktail party full of new people meet.” The Good Doctor claims we have what she calls a “Control Center,” a place where we go to work things out. (I like that concept.) Introverts will go to their inner lab, scan the day, and formulate a response. Extroverts will blurt out the first thing that comes into their head. Introverts are better listeners and have a greater boost in feelings of social connection when engaging in intimate conversations than extroverts do. So: volley for volley, I wasn’t convinced that one is more advantageous than the other. Don’t fret if you’ve pegged yourself and feel concern. They are merely different styles of connecting. And, maybe, Much Ado About… nothing.
In song, Alfie questions: What It’s All About…?
“What's it all about Alfie
Is it just for the moment we live?What's it all about
When you sort it out, Alfie
Are we meant to take more than we give?
Or are we meant to be kind?And if, if only fools are kind, Alfie…”
Then I guess it is wise to be cruel
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie
What will you lend on an old golden rule?As sure as I believe there's a heaven above
Alfie, I know there's something much more
Something even non-believers can believe inI believe in love, Alfie
Without true love we just exist, Alfie
Until you find the love you've missed
You're nothing, AlfieWhen you walk let your heart lead the way
And you'll find love any day Alfie, Alfie
ENDQUOTE: From Tim Keller, theologian, preacher, evangelist, who died at 72, on Friday, May 19, 2023, “Ironically, the insistence that doctrines do not matter is really a doctrine itself.”
Go on Amazon.com. Under BOOKS, type in “James A. Fragale” and all seven books pop up — or click the link above.
Easier said than done but once BEGUN … 1/2 DONE
I’ve begun!
Thank you, Jim
Good Morning! Thank you Jim!
My graditude is: WE had THE BEST Years of our lives lived with our freedom….dreams…
Opportunities and enjoyments!
And ABC was a GREAT place😀Love You❤️!