THE LONELINESS PROBERS
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,” Ian MacLaren
I’m a quasi-country boy, born and bred in West Virginia, which is part of the North, not the South, as some think. One of my leftover quirks from back there is to say “howdy” to people sometimes with the tag, “How are ya’?” Yep, a happy “hello” to strangers, friends, acquaintances en passant on the street in New York City—at neighborhood stores, shops butcher and barber, and to any other in between. Some folks wave back or nod, others do not. This small act of kindness may end up being a big deal to someone hurting. It costs nothing, takes a moment, and sometimes moves an Appalachian Mountain.
I recently ran across a study where behavioral scientist Professor Nicholas Epley (do folks call him Nick?) from the University of Chicago Behavior Sciences found that social connections make us happier, healthier, more successful—and contribute to “the sweetness of life.” (We suspected that.)
Professor Epley and his team of experts conducted years of research on sociability and concluded that travelers, airplane, or train, in the experiment randomly assigned to talk with a person they didn’t know, liked their trips more than those who were told to keep to themselves. Can you believe, “both introverts and extroverts tended to find conversations with strangers more enjoyable than riding solo?” And despite misgivings, they felt happier afterward. Well, I’ll be danged.
Epley goes on to conclude that we human beings are a substantially social species but suffer from what he calls “under sociality.” We view the world in anxiety-drenched ways (social pain?) that cause us to avoid social situations that would/could/might be fun, educational, and rewarding.
Contrary to popular misconceptions, Professor Epley’s team found that when someone is speaking to you, they are not considering how competent you are. Oh, no. They are focusing more on your warmth—and considering how friendly you are; and how kind you might be; and are you trustworthy? What’s more, they are infinitely more absorbed with the question: do you care about them?” No surprise there and I’m grateful to be reminded of that.
What’s Kindness Got to Do with It? I like to combine kindness with loneliness, a small act of kindness may assuage someone’s loneliness; help a dude I don’t know to feel less isolated—without my even knowing it. By the way, I dubbed the experts and myself—scientists, researchers, educators, those who pursue the subject of loneliness—The Loneliness Probers.
My insightful friend Constance G. used to say to me, “It’s an inside job.” Possibly, but not totally, C.G. Outside the box: much has been written of late about the breakdown of social relationships. Look around you right now. How many in your view are otherwise engaged… on cell phones; or, listening to music with glitzy gizmos in their ears. And not just young people either. Can the rat in the room be loneliness?
In a recent article, my favored New York Times columnist, Canadian-born David Brooks—columnist, author, pundit—queried this quandary: “…if a bunch of human beings are lonely, why don’t they merely hangout with one another?” Yes indeed, why not? Brooks then answered his own question, “People approach potential social encounters with unrealistically anxious and negative expectations. Maybe if we understood this, we could alter our behavior.” Maybe, maybe not.
Two other scientists/probers, Stav Atir and Kristina Wald, discovered that most people underestimate how much they will learn from conversations with strangers. So, you can tell, there is a lot of fodder out there on the subject that you could google, if inclined. I feel compelled, with considerations, to include a biggie, the brilliant Kieran Setiya… the latest Loneliness Prober, an author-MIT professor-philosopher with a new handbook Life Is Hard, How Philosophy Can Help Us Find Our Way, 24-pages—an entire chapter—on Loneliness.
“We are social animals with social needs; and when those needs are frustrated, we suffer. Loneliness names our suffering. But we still need to articulate its harms…
Author Setiya counters, pushes back at pop psychologists and other “influencers” who suggest we live our best lives, find our bliss. Setiya details his wisdom on Loneliness with the help of Aristotle, Wittgenstein, Dostoevsky, Emily Dickinson, Montaigne, Plato, Harvard’s Tai Ben-Shahar, Kafka, and the movie Groundhog Day… from philosophy to literature, journalism, disability studies, and even poetry.
“We are social animals with social needs; and when those needs are frustrated, we suffer. Loneliness names our suffering. But we still need to articulate its harms…. To understand better what is bad about loneliness—and how it can be remedied—we need to understand why friendship is good.” Ah, ha! A solution.
“Lonely people tend to be self-critical, too, attributing social failure to their own faults, not to circumstance—though studies suggest that chronic loneliness does not correlate with any lack of social skills.”
Oxford historian Keith Thomas divides friends into three categories, kinsfolk, strategic allies, and sources of mutual aid. His words, “In all these cases, friends we value because they were useful. One did not necessarily have to like them.”
On the other hand, cantankerous philosopher Immanuel Kant was guilty of a “dual propensity.” He wrote of the “unsociable sociability” of human beings. Though we need others, he said, we recoil from being ruled or overwhelmed by them—we want space of our own. In Kant’s case, Kant himself led a notoriously rigid bachelor lifestyle—yet was famous for dinner parties rich with conversation.
There is a way out, an escape from loneliness predicted by philosophy and confirmed by social science. “We are made for love; and we are lost without it.” To begin a solution, it’s: “Paying attention to other people—affirming the value of their lives, not one’s own—makes loneliness less harsh.” Furthermore, “The way out of loneliness runs, ironically, through the needs of other people—tending to the needs of others.” … “attending to them, not how they relate to you: concern for a potential friend, not a potential friendship.” The author and I repeat: “…relief from loneliness is, in tending to the needs of others.” (Is that why my parents worked so hard?)
So now we know: “There is a way out, an escape from loneliness predicted by philosophy and confirmed by social science. …We are made for love; and we are lost without it. …Paying attention to other people—affirming the value of their lives, not one’s own—makes loneliness less harsh.” His words again: “…there’s relief from loneliness in tending to the needs of others.” Got it!
At this point Professor Setiya brings in the University of Chicago’s, the late Dr. John Cacioppo. (I felt as if the late professor Cacioppo tapped my telephone line, echoing my take.) “…start small…” he suggested, “…reaching out in simple exchanges at the grocery store or at the library…just saying ‘Isn’t it a beautiful day?’ Or ‘I loved that book’ can bring a friendly response… You sent out a small social signal, and somebody signaled back.’ … “Interactions like these acknowledge the reality of other human beings.”
Respect, compassion, and love are all ways of asserting that someone matters. They are melodies sung in the same key.
Sure, it’s “A far cry from the deep connection you crave when you are lonely. But the difference is one degree or dimension…Respect, compassion, and love are all ways of asserting that someone matters. They are melodies sung in the same key.”
To wrap this interjection on Dr. Setiya, and his Loneliness take, I repeat, I had reservations about referencing his book. Though brilliantly written, eloquent, and thorough, the non-fiction effort is promoted as “a map,” “tools that can help,” “guidance,” “hope,” and “how to live well when live is hard.” I didn’t get that from his work. I felt Sekiya’s approach to loneliness might cause some sad ones to give up.... And as loveable Ted Lasso once said, “It’s the hope that kills you.”
Hang in, it gets better.
I don’t want to diminish David Brooks’ work—or any other expert’s expertise. I invariably find Brooks words memorable, many times profound, but I’d like to keep my take on this subject on the lighter side and attempt at a laugh or two on a serious and painful syndrome.
In a more recent outing, my hero columnist David Brooks lifted the subject of social interaction to a loftier, weightier, (to coin a word, heightier?) level. He wrote in The New York Times: “My general view is that the fate of America will be importantly determined by how we treat each other in the smallest acts of daily life… more lives are diminished by the slow and frigid death of social closedness than by the short and glowing risk of social openness.” If true, that’s a bit scary.
Salutation. I’ve waxed and waned on my hello-greetings. My goodbyes are more off-beat. I’ve established that I find it pleasant and satisfying to greet strangers and friends with a friendly “hi,” sometimes added with a “how are ya’?”; even “how ya’ doin’?”—rather down to earth, most fellows find. In closing, let me share that I don’t like the word “goodbye” (Fear of death? Not sure). I prefer to say to a bud leaving a place—unusual, I’m aware—“Exercise your options.” It’s a conversation stopper and it gives folks something to fret about on the way out. To me, “Exercise your options.” beats goodbye or so long in the short run.
Footnote from MD and author Jacqueline Olds, Massachusetts psychiatrist, “Loneliness is a feeling of unwanted isolation or lack of connection, whether you are alone or surrounded by others. Solitude, on the other hand, is a choice. People may choose to be alone for hours or days and not feel lonely at all,” added Dr. Olds.
This fall-out is a follow-up of my (Jim Fragale’s) May 16, 2022, SUBSTACK article, “A Newly Refined Kindness. Social Support and Happiness.” And now: LONELINESS PROBERS. To quote myself, “…a recent, scientific study of ‘hidden factors’ that can have greater impact ‘than anything that happens in a doctor’s office’—'mysteries’--doctors can’t explain…like love, friendship, and community…’groundbreaking’…social support and happiness can have measurable impact on our lives that could possibly raise life expectancy by five to eight years.” Exercise your options.