RELATIONSHIPS: A FRESH SCIENTIFIC STUDY OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS: A LIFE-CHANGER

Happiness: A Detailed Donnybrook. Two countries with inside information duke it out over the winning franchise to Happiness.

I love New York City. I’m NOT moving to Podunk.

Let me begin by thanking all those who weighed in on my last three SUBSTACK columns where I cite origins, the roots of 100+ well-known songs. One gym buddy called it “an ingenious approach.” I don’t know about that—but I DO know, it was a lot of fun. I have more songs for innovative composers … young song poets, which I will highlight next month. For now, May 2025, let’s take a trailblazing look at Relationships, plus consider some innovative notions on Happiness.

Happiness:

The Dans say they have it! The Finns claim it was invented in Finland! We know better. Happiness is a subject I’ve grappled with most of my life. Know this, the universe has some sense of humor… Right in the middle of my stringing sentences for this, the May SUBSTACK monthly, the damn New York Times, ran this quote: “Few concepts in social psychology are harder to define than ‘Happiness.’ “-- (No shit, Sherlock). Then they devoted their following week’s magazine to the subject: SEE, May 4, 2025 New York Times Magazine, calling “The Happiness Issue.” (A quote,“Talking to strangers guarantees novelty. It holds the promise of unexpected insight.”). Since day one of the pandemic, that concept has been kicked around in the press.

On the other foot, for eight years running Finland has been dubbed the happiest country on the planet, according to the beat-to-death World Happiness Report. In the first W. H. R. back in 2012, The Dans were considered the happiest folks everywhere. What changed? Let’s take a look.

Enter hygge (hoo-gah) -- the Danish art of creating an atmosphere of coziness, warmth, and refuge…a feeling that we are safe, shielded from the world’s hurt. Since, that Danish national obsession caught on in other countries.

Why, the Dans even have an organization devoted to “Happiness” in the United States of America, “The “Museum of Danish America,” located way out in Elk Horn, Iowa. Know that the term, hygge gives a name and a voice to their yearnings, their ideas. The devotees continually struggling to find healthier work…locate a new life balance…be more in the moment, to build interpersonal relationships, and to turn off digital distractions, according to the U.S.A.’s executive director Tova Brandt. (Ms. Brandt finds the word hygge untranslatable from the Danish.) We’ll just have to make do.

Does it mean cozy? ... She speculates. Yes, but more than cozy.

For sure, hygge concerns atmosphere… it’s about taking pleasure from the presence of soothing possessions; a contented togetherness; an absence of annoyance; sipping cocoa by candlelight; a downright snugness of the soul. So, it’s about atmosphere and the Dans offer steps one might take to create hygge in their everyday lives.

In two books on the subject, the concept is laid out appealingly with photographs. Boasting a million copies in print: The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living and its follow up, The Art of Danish Living, How the World’s Happiest People Find Joy at Work, both by author, Meik Wiking, Publisher, Abrams Living.

THE FINNS

After their initial win in 2012, the Dans, repeatedly lost to Finland--which has consistently been called one of the happiest countries in the world--eight years in a row. Their happiness is attributed to a combination of factors: strong social support, a healthy work-life balance, and a focus on enjoying simple pleasures like nature and family. (Their off-beat word: "sisu.”)

Key aspects:

1. Strong Social Support and Trust:

• Finland has a strong welfare system that provides safety nets like healthcare, education, and social services, fostering a sense of belonging and security.

• Trust is highly valued in Finnish society, with people generally trusting their neighbors, government, and institutions contributing to an overall well-being.

2. Healthy Work-Life Balance:

• Finns prioritize work-life balance and often have a flexible work schedule, enabling them to enjoy leisure time plus spend more time with loved ones.

• Finns also tend to be less focused on material possessions … more content with what they have.

3. Appreciation for Nature and Simple Pleasures:

• Finns have a deep connection with nature. Many of them are sure to incorporation outdoor activities: hiking, hiking, and lake swimming.

• They also value simple pleasures like enjoying fresh air, pure water, and again--spending time with their loved ones.

4. Cultural Values:

• Finns are known for their modesty and their "sisu," a Finnish word that’s translated as courage, determination, and resilience. All that helps the Finns cope with challenges and invariably to maintain a positive outlook.

• They also have a strong sense of community… take pride in their country, which contributes to a sense of belonging and to overall happiness.

5. Importance of Mental Health:

• Mental health is taken seriously in Finland. Resources are available to everyone to address mental health concerns as well as to constantly promote well-being.

6. Equality and Social Justice:

• Finland is committed to equality, including gender equality with a strong protection for minorities. Also, they fostering a socially inclusive environment they proudly claim contributes to overall happiness.

7. ‘Sisu’ and the "Enough Mindset:”

• Finns are known for their "sisu," a term that encapsulates their resilience and determination. They embrace a mindset of "enough," what they term, "lagom," which confirms, the Finns are content with what they already have and rarely strive for excessive wealth or possessions.

And the winner is: To this outsider, both countries appear to be similar and both deserve to be Number One, from where I hygge and sisu.

More on Happiness later, a promise.

AND NOW, RELATIONSHIPS: A FRESH SCIENTIFIC STUDY OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS: A LIFECHANGER.

A relationship cincher scientifically scrutinized in TALK, a truly terrific book by Professor Alison Wood Brooks. I confess right off, I secured this volume for all the wrong reasons. “Oh, boy,” I thought, Talk is going to help me be a great conversationalist—super, if anyone in New York ever decides to throw another cocktail party. Wrong. I even jumped forward in pages to “Topics-I-might-share-with- others” before I was very far along. Darn. What I found was 96 squirm-making questions the reader might ask himself. (Not a bad thing, I guess. Less expensive than therapy yet more painful.)

In several previous SUBSTACK columns, I’ve written about relating…connecting, friendship, and love…but this outing from Alison Brooks’ book is new fodder. Now, I’m welcoming the subjects from a well-documented, scientific perspective.

Know that, here in this grown-man-writers-living space, it’s a losing battle to keep clutter to a minimum. But I found I’d saved two back issues of “Psychology Today,” March, 2023, because it featured an article by Senior Associate Editor Ms. Devon Frye, in P, T.’s “Insights,” a section that was titled, “The Unexpected Upside of Talking to Strangers; Engaging in conversation with unknown others could teach you more than you expect.” Plus, Psychology Today’s April, 2023, issue with another lengthy piece, “The Art (and Science) of Great Conversation,” by PH. D. Valerie Fridland. (sic). (Remember 2023 was right dabe in the middle of the pandemic.)

“Talk” is obviously also a hot, viable subject for Psychology Today. Let’s see how it stacks up against Prof. Brook’s current, more up-to-date book, Talk. Full title: “Talk, The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves,” 8 chapters, 300-plus pages.

What it is is: a tall order: a groundbreaking brainstorm from celebrated Harvard Business School Professor, the leading expert on the psychology of conversation, Dr. Alison Wood Brooks, that reveals hidden architecture of our conversations—depicting how tiny improvements can have a profound impact on our togetherness—work and life affiliations—face-to-face as well as those by phone, email, text, and social media.

Let’s appropriate some aphorisms—what Brooks calls Maxims: To begin, “You want to understand finance? Study how couples talk about money—or how financial analysts interact with their bosses. You want to learn about law? Look at how lawyers talk to their clients and colleagues. You want to clear picture of the art world? Record art dealers speaking to their clients, to artists themselves. You want to understand music? Watch rock bands write songs together, and listen to their rehearses chatter…

“Conversation is humbling for children and adults alike… Talk, also, is one of the most complex and uncertain of all human tasks...And, interpersonal skills are notoriously difficult to teach…but Dr. Brooks did, and she thinks the more people communicate well, the better off we will all be…

“Being good at conversation requires more than using specific, magic words…

“Asking questions can help you switch topics smoothly…Asking questions increases information exchange, but it also has a less obvious, more important, benefit: it improves the relationship. People who ask more questions are better liked. Furthermore: ‘Asking more questions caused an increase in likeability.’ (Italics: hers.) It increases learning, enjoyment, and yes, likeability…Even in contexts that are theoretically designed for probing for information—meetings, date nights, job interviews, office hours—people often ask very few questions.’” (I’m up for more info on date nights. Who isn’t?)

“When it comes to dating, curiosity is king: it’s the ZQs that killed the date. Zero questions mean(s) zero second dates,” Brooks seems to think. Plus this: asking questions can help you switch topics smoothly…

In addition. “The importance of ‘active listening,’ non-verbal cues of hearing—you smile, mod, laugh, lean toward your partner, meet their gaze, mirror their gestures. Romantic partners who are good attenders have better marriages…”. (Now you tell us.)

In 2019, author Brooks “designed a new course to put my [her] scientific [innovative] yet relational perspective on conversation into practice. The course was called “TALK,” specifically: “How to Talk Gooder in Business and Life,” or just “TALK” for short…”. It blossomed. Today…

“…it turns out that every organization…every industry want to figure out how to converse better. Why, the Boston Celtics invited me [Professor Brooks] to become a consultant for their coaching staff.” Her reaction: “I thought, REALLY?!...

“Conversation is the key to the social world…Many of us out in the universe …are just like my students—anxious, but also excited, Yes, worth repeating, the more people communicate well, the better off we will all be… And know this, what’s more, in addition, conversation can be fun, too…

Immanuel Kant, author of ‘What is Enlightenment?’—still a staple of college courses, was among those who opined on benefits of polite conversation; its best practices…

In the 1950s, Nobel Prize-winning economist Thomas Schelling was intrigued by people’s attempts to coordinate. He found the best place to meet a stranger in New York City: the information booth in Grand Central Terminal – at noon. (Don’t you just love it?) He called it, “A focal point…”…

Sociologist Arlie Hochschild dubbed conversation ‘the jazz of human exchange,’ a difficult genre of music. Like jazz musicians and jam bands, freestyle rappers, crowd-work comedians, we can learn the predictable rhythms and patterns of conversation and then improvise, together, to fill them in… Furthermore…

“Conversation requires incredible feats of self-reading, mind-reading, and room-reading—the constant process of observation, adjustment, and compromise…

Philosopher J. L. Austin, examined ‘ordinary language…’ ’we need to understand what speakers are doing with their words,’ he asked: ‘are they requesting, inquiring, begging, issuing a promise, offering an apology, or taking any number of other actions? People are always doing things with their words…’

“Sharing information is why humans learned to communicate…The improvisational, constantly changing nature of conversation is what makes it both difficult and exciting. You never know exactly what will happen next—you can only use the resources at hand, what you do know, to puzzle it out…

Harvard’s Paul Grice, in Studies in the Way of Words, laid out the key elements…the ‘cooperative principle:’ helpfulness… Motivated by a spirit of cooperation. We are: liars, negotiators, bigots, and dodgers… We take turns speaking and not speaking. We accommodate each other in ways small and large to have successful conversation—even when we hold opposing positions or purposes….” Dr. Grice devised maxims: ‘The Maxim of Quality: be truthful. The Maxim of Quantity: be concise. The Maxim of Relation: be relevant. The Maxim of Manner: be clear.’ Then again…

Sociologist Erving Goffman, uncovered rituals that shape our everyday interactions and our endless effort to save face he called ‘Conversation Analysis:’ Habits Goffman dubbed turn-taking, airtime-sharing, overlapping talk—and even in one recent study, sniffing—all devices elaborating methods of notation….

Our author here, Dr. Brooks interjected this: “Now, more than ever, we need simple, science-backed help to take these skills we already have and point them in the right directions—based on my ten years of study of conversation, here’s where TALK comes in. The TALK maxims—T - Topics, A - Asking, L - Levity, - K - Kindness—are a useful set of reminders to help us navigate deftly [deftly navigate] toward our goals across all our quadrants of the compass, especially when many of us tend to drift in the wrong direction and mis-coordinate…

From her Harvard TALK, Brooks highlights these suggests: Choosing topics, asking questions, considering our goals, lifting others up, and talking about our challenges -- with opportunities of applying those skills across diverse situations. And to do it with: more patience and acceptance…less judgement of others’ shortcomings, and be sure to show more affirmation and acknowledgement of others’ triumphs…

Alas, she reminds: conversation is neither easy nor effortless. “Good conversation—like good acting, writing, music making, trapeze flying, or any other kind of skilled performance—requires a combination of instincts and deliberative effort(s), even if the latter is invisible to onlookers.” Psychologist call that slower, more deliberative, and more logical effort ‘system 2 thinking. ...

The macro question is What are our goals? The micro question, What topics are going to help us get there? Brooks suggests these basic tools: Writing down questions. Taking notes… and

Thinking ahead about possible topics — even for just 30 seconds. Those who prepped topics take shorter pauses and used fewer disfluencies like um, uh, and stutters. [Love that word: disfluencies.]

Combustable conversationist? Atlantic columnist James Parker suggests, “…tip you headfirst into the blazing void,” of another person’s “soul.” Wow! A brave man, Mr. Parker.

Then Brooks adds, we “…navigate through small talk and tailored talk, which includes things that you and your partner want to talk about—and can talk about effectively—important motives to connect, savor, protect and advance…”

Forethought—think ahead about the world of your partner— good conversation doesn’t always require that we choose good topics. Even the most ridiculous topics can become deeply meaningful… Another tool: your best friend is: topic prep.

Near the end of Dr. Brook’s book, there are 96 weighty questions … topics one may use for others and for themselves. I found them weighty… beyond that, there are literally dozens of other queries you--peppered throughout the book. I’m tempted to list each and every one of them, but … but I decided not to blow one of the best features in this brilliant book, specific questions author Brooks has devised with a great deal of care…

I will share this: Follow up questions can keep a conversation alive. Oprah Winfrey, often probed with follow-up questions about emotion, like ‘How did that make you feel?’ Barbara Walters used follow up questions to explore past-present-future scenarios, asking interviewees to travel through time to revisit old decisions reflect on current feelings, or make predictions about the future. (Case in point, Walters’ 1999 Monica Lewinsky interview.) Good conversationalist often asked questions to keep the conversation from dying. NOTE: Brooks says: Asking too many questions is rare.

Third Maxim of successful conversation, a tough-y: Levity. Sociologist Erving Goffman singled humor as context-sensitive and unrepeatable (“You had to be there!”) as a bespoke gift to the people present. Some advice from author Brooks, “…it may be more beneficial to aim for finding the fun rather than [attempting] to be funny…”… A real face-saving bit of advice: finding the fun rather than trying to be funny…

It gets heavy: “Most of us think poorly of ourselves, at least sometimes. We shouldn’t let all that self-loathing to go to waste! Self-deprecation works best when leaders… high-status group members share something they’ve overcome; criticisms they’ve received earlier in life.”

Robert Provine, psychologist and authority on laughter studied two thousand cases in student unions and other public spaces, for a full year, searching for moments of lightness: peace, joy, bonding, tickling, farting…laughter. What Provine found: 20 percent of laughter occurred in response to jokes, stories, or pranks. Laughter may even sometimes follow banal remarks. Laughter can… fill spaces, express awkwardness, show politeness and deference, and smoothing interactions. Professor Provine discovered--useful--more than 70 percent of laughter smooths conversation flow by filling gaps and silences…

KINDNESS, a biggie: Two million views on YouTube: the Anderson Cooper-Stephen Colbert CBS interview The Washington Post called one of “2019’s Best TV Moment” and worth a look, but not here. I don’t want to lessen author Brook’s lightning-bolt.

Tall George Bernard Shaw quipped this, “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Oooppps… WRAP ALERT.

Brilliant Nobel Laureate Amarya Sen wrote, “…each human is composed of beautiful, diverse, aspects: race, sex, gender, nationality, language, age religion, education, wealth, values, ideologies, sexuality, health, family, friends, hobbies, experiences, preferences…Our goal as a kind conversationalist is to walk beside our partner, no matter who they are, and work to make them feel seen and known…”. THE BOOK…

“Talk, The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves,” eight chapters, 300-plus pages. CROWN/Penguin Random House, 2025.

TALK SONGS: “You say either, I say either… “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off,” by George & Ira Gershwin, 1937, from “Shall We Dance.” “Talk to Me,” a 1959 Frank Sinatra, Capital Record single. “You Talk Too Much,” a 1960 Hit by Joe Jones that reached Number Three on the Billboard Hot 100.

BACK TO PATHBREAKING TALK ON HAPPINESS.

The 2025 World Happiness Report found that the happiest country in the world is Finland, trailed closely Denmark. All stable democracies with prosperous and heathy citizens—top that list. Note: political thinkers such as Francis Fukuyama and Steven Pinder talk about wanting to direct poor and turbulent nations to ‘go to Denmark.’ FACT: The World Happiness Report rankings loosely correlate with a gross domestic product. “Most of the countries that reported high overall composite flourishing may not have been rich in economic terms…they tended to be rich in friendships, marriages, and community involvement, especially in religious communities.’”…

CHECK OUT: “Turns Out, G. D. P. Doesn’t Buy Happiness,” New York Times, 5/3/2025.

HAPPINESS CONTINUED. It gets better. In 2003, psychiatrist-Zen priest Robert Waldinger accepted a job at Harvard, overseeing a prized-project--the longest running wellness study in American History. It began in 1938. Undergraduates from the classes of 1939 through 1944 (John F. Kennedy and editor Ben Bradlee participated. These upscale college students were studied from “every conceivable angle.”) Sixty-five years after the first submitted themselves to investigation found…participants who scored highest on measures of attachment to their spouses were the ones who reported the highest levels of happiness.

So, the longest-running scientific study of adult life: UPDATED IN MAY 2025, at The Inaugural New York Times Well Festival, psychiatrist-researcher Dr. Waldinger, Dir. of Harvard’s Study of Adult Development, who took over this long-running study in 2003 said, “the biggest predictor of who was going to live long and stay healthy [is]… How connected we are to other people--particularly the warmth of that connection. The people who were best at relationships were the people who were actively involved in staying in touch with people, people who really nurtured their relationships…

How our relations actually get into our bodies and change our physiology. “The best hypothesis is that it has to do with stress… in fact relationships, when they’re good, are stress relievers.”

“People who don’t have connections with other people, those people don’t have the same stress regulation mechanism in their lives that those with good ones have.., Little hints of well-being… making eye contact with those we encounter every day… friends or strangers…and those who talk to others in line at the bank, or supermarket, at Starbucks…live eight years longer…

My favorite quote from the Update Evening, the New York Time’s Well Festival, Dr. Kelly McGonigal offered strategies to turn exercise into a vehicle to experience joy. “One reason exercise makes us happy is that it can help foster connection to others.” Even if it makes you self-conscious, she suggested joining a run club or attending a Zumba class. “When we move in sync with other people, our bodies enter a state—our brains enter a state that neuroscientists call ‘we mode.’” Dr. McGonigal explained, “We enter a state of togetherness that is biologically real, and we can sense it as a kind of trust and closeness and belonging.” …

“Those badges of achievement that we all set out for ourselves—money, awards, followers on social media—are quantifiable, so they look like they’re going to make us happy, but they don’t…And as for the culture that sells us that if we do the right things, we’ll be happy all the time… not true. Nobody is happy all the time.”

Did you notice in this study that began in 1938, recently renewed—specifics haven’t changed all that much. (And as Peter Allen performed so zippy with his sentiment, “Everything Old is New Again.”) Factoid: Peter Allen is the only person who ever danced with The Rockettes. His father was sick about it.

END OF: UPDATED MAY, 2025 at “The Inaugural New York Times Well Festival.”

THE GREEKS HAD A WORD FOR IT. It’s eudaemonic, and it means well-being. Eudaemonia refers to the deep sense of meaning and purpose that comes from feeling a sense of mastery over challenging work; or community volunteering—not to mention bonding with loved ones. Eudaemonic-gladness is linked to strong relationships. Editors here threw in ‘good sex’--feeling emotionally connected to another, eudaemonic-ly. Happiness, I repeat, looks different in the lives of different people. (The editors included ‘hedonic’—well-being pleasure and avoiding pain.)

The above paragraph was paraphrased from the New York Times’ Jancee Dunn and Laura Bennett and fits in beautifully with my take on the subject. I trust the Greeks.

ANOTHER KEY INSIGHT: “The clearest message…from this 75-year study: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” Not achievement. Not fortune. Not fame. An aside that I’ve written about in previous SUBSTACK articles: Researchers at the University of Chicago, asked ordinary folks to interact with strangers on public transit – to try to have a moment of connection—and found that the commuters seemed to get a mood boost from the exercise.” “…95 percent of things that are effective in making people happy and that have shown to be true through happiness interventions are because they make people feel more connected to other people.” [This subject was examined repeatedly in the press during the pandemic.]

To recap: Finland has been rated the happiest country in the planet by The World Happiness Report. The cultural elements that ostensibly contribute to its status: foraging, fresh air, trees, lakes, sustainably produced meals and, perhaps above all, saunas. [All government buildings in Finland have a sauna on-site]. Hi-Ho, in the 2025 report, The United States placed 24^th. Back in the first 2012 report, The United States was No. 11. Back in that initial 2012 study, Denmark came in first!

CHECK OUT: THE HAPPINESS ISSUE, New York Times Magazine, May, 2025.

Back in 2023, this was considered new research: casual conversations with strangers… A quote from author Stav Atir, from Wisconsin’s School of Business, “When people don’t know what they will learn, they underestimate how muchthey will learn.’” What’s more, folks underestimate how much they will enjoy a conversation… and how much talking to strangers can boost feelings of connectedness. Psychology Today, April, 2023, by Devon Frye. Fresh in 2023 and according to the New York Times, just as fresh today.

Allow me to close with a quote from award-winner and one of the greatest American novelists—Thomas Pynchon—on “Sloth” – a quoted used in opinion-ator (Love him!) Tim Kreider’s off-the-wall New York Times essay, “The Busy Trip,” “Idle dreaming is often of the essence of what we do.” Ahhhmen.

Note Tim Kreider has an irreverent book out there, Twilight of the Assholes (The Chronicles of the Era of Darkness), Published by Fantagraphics. Just sayin.’

SONGS: “If You Want To Be Happy For The Rest of Your life, Never Make a Pretty Woman, Your Wife,” Jimmy Soul, 1962. “Happy Together,” The Turtles, 1967. “Happiness Is A Thing Called Jim… OOPS, A TYPO! “a Thing called JOE,” Ethel Waters, from: “Cabin in he Sky,” that lost “Best Song, 1943” to “You’ll Never know.”

NEXT MONTH, JUNE 2025: A kind friend called it ingenious. I say it’s a lot of fun. I hit on an idea back in January 2025, I thought it might be helpful for aspiring record producers, songwriters, and ad jingle advocates. I traced the roots/origins of well-known songs—pinpointed precisely where the composers appropriated, then passed that information along to aspirants amassing more than 100 songs in my SUBSTACK monthlies. See “Substack:” April, March, February and now next month, June 2025. I PROMISE MORE EXAMPLES.

And now A Bonus Track. What the hell, you got this far.

An excerpt From Jim Fragale’s (in the works) Autobiography:

I was pleased to see multiple articles and reviews in The New York Times recently -- Yoko Ono as the subject. None of the pieces, however, included the fact that Ono, in December of 1974, took the burgeoning (in New York City anyway), West Coast human potential program called est (Erhard Standard Training). If memory serves, it was one of the last of those weekend seminars that went for $200. (Perhaps, it was not important enough, or their writers didn’t know Yoko took est, or possibly, too unseemly for the Times to include.) Taking the seminars as “Daphne,” Yoko shared aloud during the long, exhausting weekend “training,” she had been receiving horrific hate messages with names like “JAP,” as well as other derogatory terms. At the end of the exhausting, sometimes grueling days/evenings/weekend/two day/12 hours each day/without bathroom breaks, Yoko’s limousine would pull up to the training site and offer rides to any of us also living on the Upper Side, to be let out at Broadway and West 72^nd Street, not far from her place with Beatle John Lennon at the Dakota. I was one of the est “dabblers” who availed himself of the rides. I remember giving her copies of two Melba Moore albums I’d produced back then -- “I Got Love” and “Look What You’re Doing to the Man” -- which she graciously accepted. I suspect the world would be glad to be enlightened with yet another example of how-down-to earth Yoko Ono was – in contrast to some of the awful, often-inaccurate gossip items that had appeared in print about her over the years. After typing this, the New York Post ran a gossip item on John and Yoko AND another piece appeared in the TIMES.

If you’re too young to know what est was, it’s worth a look and some insight in the 1970s Human Potential Movements. Some of the concepts are still being appropriated today -- as they were from previous generations back then. Nothing new under the moon. (SEE Wikipedia “Erhard Standard Training.)

Meanwhile, back to May - 2025 SUBSTACK

“ARE YOU HAPPY?” TIME’S UP.

My therapist knew I was writing about happiness, relationships, and connection. She asked me, ‘Are You Happy?’ And added, ‘Why don’t you write about it?’ Pause. I thought… I work at home. I live in a nice apartment with a view, and pay reasonable rent, maintainable for New York City. Every morning at 2 a.m. or so, the guy upstairs arrives home from God-Knows-Where, sits on a squeaky, creaky, creepy mattress above my bed, waking me.. I sometimes have a helleva’ time going back to sleep. There have been many a-mornin’ I’ve been awakened early by the rat-tat-tat of a sledgehammer right under my window… A week doesn’t go by that one of the units in the building is being refurbished; many Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. until 4 p.m., I hear tap, tap, tap of a hammer, tap, tap, tap, buzz, buzz, buzz, shouts, and other workman noises. And, right across the street is a house-of-worship where the congregation often double and triple parks their cars from the corner on down a block--both sides of the street, mind you--(never receiving parking tickets.) Let’s not leave out the multiple colorful cab-buggies that cram the corner near the church’s front door. I’m not done yet: sometimes the parishioners line up and pray, face down, on the sidewalk. This too: church goers frequently get in loud arguments with other parishioners near their cars. What’s more, they find it necessary to blow their horns to alert other drivers to move their vehicles… Then, dear readers, in the session, I answered a question with a question, “Doctor, is it possible to be cranky and happy at the same time?” Her response: “Time’s up. Let’s begin there, next time.”

I love New York City. I am NOT moving to Podunk.